I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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