drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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