Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You're a waste of cheezeits
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
