I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize