gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
