She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
