i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
