what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
zippers are such a cool invention
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize