I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
