I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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