i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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