I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Drunk is not a location!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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