I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
