If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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