this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
