woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
