I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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