I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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