Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
