I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
