How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Randomize