"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
