Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
