I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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