Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
