I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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