I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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