I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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