JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
