I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
