Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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