man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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