Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
