my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
