8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
