so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
