I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
All the doctor said was why
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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