i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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