Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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