So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
