Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
