I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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