My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
