this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
