The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
