he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
