Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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