im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize