Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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