wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
