so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize