What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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