so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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