he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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