I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I know her cup size but not her name....
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