Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
