I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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