Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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