I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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