please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize