i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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