Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
