My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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