Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
